Out of the Woods and into the World – of Fatherhood

So in my last post, I explained to y’all one of the reasons it’s been quiet on my little corner of the internet lately. If you didn’t read it, here’s a spoiler: I worked on something, it didn’t go as I planned, so I acted like an ostrich – which would have been fine, but it turns out that laying eggs is for the birds, so I had to pull my head out of my ass the ground and face facts.

There’s a second reason it’s been quiet around these parts: Kim and I are having a baby!! A real life, Mexican baby, not just the Grande Burrito Especial kind! Well, at least she’ll be a made in Mexico baby (sorry, TMI?). I wrote a post about this way back in February, but due to some technical issues I was having at the time, that post got deleted & I never re-wrote/re-posted it.

So what does having a baby have to do with my Sasquatchian silence? Well, it’s a complicated topic, and I don’t really have one good answer for it. There are many parts to it: part of it is that it is a huge, life changing event that took me a while to wrap my head around; part of it is that it seems too personal to talk/write openly about; part of it is that I feel like I need to grow up & get a real job to provide for my baby girl (more on this later…); part of it is that I don’t want to be the parent that documents my kid’s life on social media or a blog; and part of it is, well, that I just plain-ol’ didn’t feel like it.

That’s a lot of parts. But like I said, it’s complicated.

thoughts on fatherhood

Kim giving baby Squatch what she needs – a chocolate milkshake

Over the years, Kim and I have gone back-and-forth about wanting/not wanting a baby so many times, not even tennis comes close to being an adequate metaphor for the amount of mental back-and-forth we’ve gone through. Kim and I have spent an endless amount of hours discussing it, trying to think about parenthood from every conceivable angle so that we could assure ourselves that we were not only making the right decision, but also for the right reasons.

I’ll spare you all the back and forth, all the pros/cons lists, etc. and tell you exactly what finally tilted my scales into the make-a-baby range: the sex. Oh wait, I’m not supposed to say that? Then, umm, let’s see – babies are cute, right? Yes? Ok, then that’s it: I want to have a kid because babies are cute.

In all seriousness, I can’t identify any one thing that pushed us into deciding to have a kid. Maybe it was getting older. Maybe it was having the opportunity to travel. Maybe the Universe decided that it was finally time that a lil-Squatch was around. Or maybe we got tired of not making a decision and decided to finally shit or get off the pot. I’ve thought about this a lot over the past few months, and I am no closer to a definite answer.

Even though I can’t point to the one thing that pushed me over the edge, the decision was made and soon I will be able to add “World’s Best Dad,”“#1 Dad,” and “Father of the Year” not only to my list of lifetime achievements, but to my t-shirt and coffee mug collections. This, however, has come with its own set of challenges that I was not prepared for – like trying to not rub in the fact that I’m about to win the Daddy Triple Crown in my first year of eligibility to all the other dads out there.

As wonderful as these awards will be, no one told me being eligible for them came with a daily emotional raffle drawing. Every day, I wake up and over my first cup of coffee for the day, I spin the hopper and pull a ticket to see what random emotion will hit that day. Will l be filled with the anxiety of being responsible for another human being today? Or will I have a debilitating fear about passing along all of my emotional shortcomings to her? Will tomorrow’s ticket bring a warm happiness when I think about seeing my daughter for the first time or paralyzing realization that I’ve never even changed a diaper, so what else don’t I know how to do? What about the day after that: will I mourn the loss of my carefree lifestyle that let me spend days drinking margaritas on the beach at 10 a.m. if I so choose, or will I be excited about showing my little girl some of the corners of the world that helped to fill me with awe and wonder?

I never knew that being eligible for the Daddy Awards came with so much internal uncertainty.

thoughts on fatherhood bigfoot onsie

She’s gonna be the littlest – and cutest – Bigfoot believer!

Out of all of the daily emotional raffle tickets I’ve pulled, I’ve found one to be true every single day: that my little girl already makes me happier than anything else.

This happiness is deep-seated – the kind that is known in your soul rather than felt by your heart. This isn’t a kind of happiness that makes me jump around a room or scream out in excitement. This is a bone-deep feeling that makes me smile and get misty-eyed. And while I might text Kim in the middle of the day wondering if she’s given birth yet because it sure would be nice to meet my daughter when I get home, there is no hurry in my happiness.

(This is one of the benefits of being the dad instead of the mom: I can be as patient as I want to be because I’m not carrying around an extra person in my belly. I get to say “oh, it’s so amazing that she’s in there” while patting Kim’s baby bump without having to be kicked in the bladder all day long.)

I know she will arrive in this world when it’s her time to arrive and there is no sense in wanting to rush it. And, it’s probably best if she gets a little bigger before she is born, because as soon as she arrives, there’s a 185 pound Sasquatch just waiting to start smothering her with love.

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Author: Brian

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